I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
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