Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
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I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
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she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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