Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
