My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
