you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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