What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
