I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
