When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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