About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
