The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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