she looked like the before picture.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
