I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
