That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
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Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
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All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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