I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
4 words: hood of his car
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
