she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
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Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
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I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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