I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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