I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
