So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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