He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
