Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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