the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
