I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
