You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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