Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Do vagina's smell?
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
OPIZZABONMYDICK
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
