Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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