I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
