Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
