went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
