I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
