Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
