I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
