nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
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We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Good news!! I can adult!! π turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ππ
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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