well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Randomize
