No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
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