i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I am naked and annoyed.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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