The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
