I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.