I molested 6 butterflies tonight
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.