when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
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She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
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I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules