hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
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Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.