Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
