you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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