We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
