I was born with a shot glass in my hand
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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