If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
