Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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