Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
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