The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
