umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
