just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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