Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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