So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
