we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He passed out mid-signature
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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