I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
