Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Randomize
