We won't sleep together?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
